On March 3rd, 2017, my life changed drastically for the better. Before this day, I was horribly depressed, anxious, lacked direction and a steady path, and was even suicidal. I had envisioned all these ways of ending my life. I knew exactly how I’d do, when I’d do it. I learned my family’s schedules. Knew what corner was the right place to do it in the house and what method I’d use and that was that. At one point in my life, it wasn’t a matter of if, it was a matter of when.
I felt hopeless, useless, I felt ugly, and worthless. I hated everyone and everything around me. I was completely inconsolable. Being a shy introvert with no job and horrible health insurance, I really had no options as to finding suitable help for my issues. I was really at my wit’s end and found no hope in my situation. No one would hear my soul’s inner cries for help and no one around me respected me enough to care or even notice.
Going backwards a little in my storytelling, I had gallbladder surgery back in 2014. It got pretty lonely convalescing so I decided to find a Pen Pal program online and met many individuals through this program over the years. I talked to people from all over the world and never really stuck with a pen pal for more than a handful of months, if that.
But on March 3rd, 2017, it all changed. I met this wonderful man from Ireland who turned my world upside down in the best possible way. I always joke with him because he is an animal care provider and I always said that he rescued me and I was one of his damaged and abused animals. And that I was so horribly damaged when we first met. He even showed me copies of our first exchanges when we first started talking. How desperately sad and neglected and truly unloved I was when we first started talking. We compared them to current conversations and how upbeat and genuinely happy I am now compared to that shell of a person just one short year ago. To say that this man is my soul mate is genuinely the understatement of the century. This man is life’s elixir. He is my soul’s true owner and he has healed me from the deepest, most broken part of me and made me whole and complete. All of those cheesy romance movies and romance books that I read ever since I was a child finally make sense to me. From Jerry Maguire’s famous line “You complete me,” to Julie Andrew’s and Christopher Plummer’s “I must’ve done something good” in the Sound of Music. I understand now. I understand and I feel Robert’s love resonate deep within me from many miles away. On December 5th, 2017, I met Robert for the first time and we had a true old-fashioned courtship. It was the greatest week of my life. We got to know the people we were away from our phones and computers. He was positively lovely online, but was doubly so in person. I have never in my 37 years of life met anyone who knew me so intimately and took the time to get to know everything about me. We finish each other’s sentences, have similar hopes and fears, have always carried around a horrible sense of abandonment and loss from the people around us who just never understood us. We are misfits to the outside world and we will never fit in to them, but with each other we know that we are all we need to survive this cruel and heartless world.
It has been a whirlwind of emotions. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life, but there are negative skeptics around that try and ruin that happiness and say truly horrible and despicable things. I feel that it is selfish and down right mean to comment negatively on someone’s happiness. For someone who was so lost and lonely and depressed and felt like she had no worth in the world to finally finding a man who’s gentle warmth embraced this wretch of a soul and loves me wholly and purely. Why wouldn’t you support that? It is sad that people use their own insecurities and fear to ruin other people’s happiness. Instead of harboring jealousy and resentment why not give your blessing and keep your negativity to yourself? You may not understand it, you may not support it, but it is happening whether you get it or not. I should not have a shroud of gray when I am finally feeling enraptured by the gorgeous hues of color dancing around me. I choose positivity and happiness. I choose to take risks and to try even when other people around me enjoy their ruts. I’ve always considered myself to be brave and to be a trailblazer and set the path for others in life and this is no different. I’m excited and am not afraid of what lies ahead. I’m excited and enthralled and for the first time in my pathetic existence I have purpose. I’m going to be someone’s wife, someone’s partner in all aspects of life. I’m going to have a home of my own that I can decorate and have total control over. I’m going to be able to cook my own meals and go out as I please and have a job that I rightfully deserve.
In April 2018 I will be moving to Ireland with my fiance. We have applied for housing by the ocean and I will be seeking employment there while I work on becoming an established writer and artist over there. My fiance has already begun networking on my behalf and has helped established my name there to give me an opportunity to flourish. Now that is true, honest, and selfless love. I am so excited for this next chapter in my life. I actually want to wake up the next day just so that days can pass and I can be put out of my misery. Number 45 got it all wrong. The only country I see as a shithole is mine. And I cannot wait to put that misery behind me.