Esta Menina Pequena

blog post january 3rd 2019 part 2

ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2019.

This winter has been spent renovating the attic to use as my bedroom/office. I have been nesting and decorating and painting and getting things just right for the new year so I can begin writing full-time once more. It is pretty much up and running. I just have a few odds and ends that need to be fixed.

The office doesn’t have a functioning light fixture so I have been relying on a very old lamp that is pretty much rendering me blind LOL! But I am making due for now. I am hoping someone will take pity on me (Not at all name dropping, DOM!) can come over soon and help make a new light fixture possible so your poor sister doesn’t go blind.

Anyhow, now that the office is basically functional, I have been doing a lot of housekeeping with my website and my writing agenda for 2019. During the holiday break, I was doing some cleanup in the basement and came across my old writing folder from when I was a teenager. I keep finding my old writings all over the house!

This particular folder meant quite a huge deal to me when I was young. It has all of my poetry, my short stories, my plays, and even goofy magazines that I had drawn as a joke. It was nice revisiting my younger self. The things that influenced me then still do so today. For instance, my 6th-grade teacher was the person who got me into Ray Bradbury and in the folder, I had a research paper from high school about Ray Bradbury. So her influence resonated throughout the remainder of my life. I am deeply touched by that. Of all of the years that I spent in the education system, I hope that at least one of the students who I taught over the years felt that kind of connection and hopefully I made a positive impact in their lives somehow.

Flipping through all of my written work also made me a little melancholy. I had my whole life plan in this folder and I never even realized it.

I don’t know what I was thinking at that age. I didn’t understand what the impact of my indecisions would do to my adult life. I find myself constantly running in circles aimlessly without direction, without hope of ever getting myself out of this slump that I perpetually find myself in. Others aren’t so lucky as I am. To have suffered as I have suffered throughout my life, many others who have endured the same would’ve ended their lives years ago. I just am holding out hope that there is a greater purpose to this immense and recurring suffering. I am praying that this whole journey is worth it in the end. I want to believe that that is true.

So for 2019, I am moving forward. I am using this writing folder as my fuel, my determination, my drive, and my promise to my younger self that I will achieve the goals that I had set out to do as a young girl and never had the confidence, the courage, the strength, or the power to do in the past. I am going to block out all negativity. I will not allow anyone ever again to get in my way. I will just keep working on myself. I will do the best that I possibly can do and forget all the toxic people who just will never understand me and will never see me for anything other than the flaws that weigh me down.

I am alone. I’ve been alone for 38 years. And I will be alone for another 38 years. That is my albatross. And I am fine with it. Now it’s time to get serious and get writing. Here’s to 2019. May it not suck as much as 2018.

blog post january 3rd 2019

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