Why I Don’t Regret Being Childless

blog january 28th 2019
ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2019.

Many individuals nearing forty have already accomplished many milestones like other people within their age demographic. These individuals have had jobs for close to twenty years, they’re married, they’re living in their own homes, they have children, and are set in their lives. Many have even paid off their student loans. Their lives are picturesque, and they are living their own versions of happily ever after.

In 2019, this ideal has become a rarity, not the norm. I spent my twenties in an explosive tumultuous pattern of bouncing from one unfulfilling position to the next in the education field. I either quit my job, got fired, or flat out left. I didn’t know what I wanted in life, but I did know that education was just not the field that I belonged in when it came to a career path. I enjoyed my years working with children, but it just was never something I felt passionate enough about to try hard enough to stay and succeed at it. I accept blame in my role in getting fired and quitting and leaving. I understand I’m flawed and not every individual is made for a traditional career.

It was because of my decision to leave education that prompted me to seek out my masters and doctorate in business administration. There were many bumps and turns with this decision as well and this path was no easier for me to find gainful employment.

My twenties were exploratory and soul-searching years for me. My thirties consisted of me attempting to build a foundation for a lasting career. I have made a tremendous amount of mistakes. I have made many friends and many enemies along the way, but I don’t regret one moment of every adventure and mishap that I engaged in over the years.

Years passed by, I am actively getting older and I feel that my childbearing years have effectively escaped me. Before I go on, this isn’t a rant on why having kids suck or why women who choose to have children are weak or pathetic. I am a true feminist and believe that women are entitled to make any decision they choose that makes them truly happy. If you want children, wonderful, if you don’t want children, that’s also wonderful, as long as either option is 100% your choice.

I toyed with the idea of having a child with past relationships, but I was just never financially secure enough to ever justify bringing life onto this good Earth.

Even though I am still figuring my life out with my writing, I feel like I’ve finally found my bearings in life and am on the right path for myself. Coming up with this decision took me several long years of trial and error and heartache but I have taken effective steps to course-correct my writing line and have taken the appropriate measures to forge full-steam ahead with my life goals.

Because this decision has taken me so long to get to, I realize that I had to make a difficult choice. Do I stop the momentum I’ve worked so hard to achieve, or do I pursue the expected path of finding a relationship and having a child? In my past relationship, I felt my identity slowly slip through my fingertips. I was settling into this housewife persona and it wasn’t a comfortable fit for me. I’m too headstrong, feisty, and fiery. I’ve been described as being sassy, aggressive, volatile, but with a gentle heart of gold. I recognize that I am a special individual and I feel that I deserved more than to settle down and have my dreams quashed and forgotten. That whole phoenix arisen cliché was not wasted on me. I firmly feel myself strengthening and rising above every single day.

Aside from spending nearly two decades working with children in the education field, I feel that I have had my own experience with raising a family in a way. I spent my whole life taking care of others. I essentially took on the persona of the matriarch of the household whenever my mother traveled to care for my grandparents when they were both still alive. I was always doing housework, driving my siblings around, cooking, and other duties typical of a traditional mother figure. I also actively take care of my cats both indoor and outdoor and I consider them all my fur babies. I have been involved in the caregiving of my father who has been suffering from dementia for the past four years.

I realized with all of this, I am fulfilled. I have my family, I have my fur babies, and I have my father to take care of along with my fledgling writing career. I have all the components to make me a successful individual without the traditional archetype of wife and mother. I do see family and friends and watch their struggle with their children and I often feel grateful that I dodged a tremendous bullet. I was never one to succumb to societal pressures and conform and have children. I have always functioned on my own timeline and do not feel that if I am not a mother than I am unsuccessful in life.

I came to the realization that after nearly forty years of taking care of others, it was finally time to begin taking care of myself and worry about my own needs and whether or not my dreams and goals are being realized. I feel the importance of no longer living in the shadows of other people’s expectations of who I should or shouldn’t be. We all have one life to live and it truly is up to us to find a path that we can be satisfied with and to thrive in regardless of any pressures around us from those who may or may not understand our point of view.

Recognizing the Strong and Ambitious Woman

blog january 8th 2019

ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2019.

When I first decided I was leaving education back in 2016 to pursue writing full-time, I was terrified. I had spent my entire adult life as either a substitute teacher or full-time educator. I was always doing some sort of traditional job where someone signed my paychecks and I didn’t have to worry about how I was going to pay my own bills. Becoming a full-time writer wasn’t an easy transition for me. I spent my time, in the beginning, learning about how to go about building The Moonlit Goddess writing line. The whole process was a serious learning curve for me.

What genres would I focus on? What were my blogs going to be about? How would I go about reaching a loyal following? Would people criticize my writing? What happens if I suck? These were all things that were rushing through my mind. I tried to remain positive and tried my best to just focus on the day to day and like a baby learning how to swim for the first time, I just dove right in! Mistakes would be made. I’d learn and adjust and fine-tune and create what I have to say is an admirable and respectable writing line.

I learned a lot about myself since starting this venture. I learned that there are a lot of people out there who are envious of my passion, charisma, and positivity. I remember one conversation I had with a fellow educator, who has since died, told me once that when you’re doing something right in life, your stuff will be so good that people will want to steal from you!

I never really related to this bit of sage wisdom until very recently. I realized that if people are emulating what I am doing, then I must be doing something right!

2018 was a horrible year for me. I was stagnant in my writing, I was making excuses, I gained weight, I was depressed, miserable, I hated myself. I really was going nowhere fast. I was miserable in dealing with my dad every day. I feel horrible for what my dad is going through and I wouldn’t wish dementia on my own worst enemy but at the same time I am resentful to be caring for this man who, when I was growing up, would rather put on his shoes so fast to get away from his family than to celebrate a birthday, a holiday, or come to a spring concert, or sit with one of his kids when they were sick with colds. It takes a completely special individual to put all that hatred and negativity aside and provide the quality care my whole family is administering to my father now. There was just so much inner turmoil going on that I relied on another person, wrongly, as a safety crutch. I realize now what a huge mistake that was and how much I cheated myself in 2018.

2019 didn’t start off much better. My money is ever dwindling, I started the new year running to the bank to deposit one lousy dollar so my bank account wouldn’t be charged an overdraft fee when they extracted the monthly seven dollar fee, and getting into a minor fender bender. I laughed to myself at how I thought by doing that sage smudging/burning ceremony that it would somehow represent a new beginning for me in 2019 but I’m wondering if I just unleashed holy hell on myself and if this is what I’m meant to experience in 2019–one ridiculous flub after another!

I consider myself a strong and ambitious woman. I’ve been through the depths of hell, slapped on my war paint more times than I can count and entered the trenches of war-torn areas of the darkest parts of my psyche. I’ve been through worse in the past and this to me is nothing new and nothing that I can’t handle.

On a positive note, 2019 does have some shining moments. My writing has never been stronger, and I do have some leads on some freelance writing opportunities. As I stare at my ledger of the list of upcoming bills that are soon due, I know that the clock is ticking and I need to keep writing daily if I am to survive in this business. I also know that as a strong and ambitious woman, what makes me strong and ambitious are all of the twists and turns and the ups and downs. I can’t expect life to be a straightforward path. There will be tons of obstacles and tragedies that I will face and it is how I face them that matter, not the tragedies themselves that I must focus on and I know with that powerful knowledge in my hands I know that I am going to be just fine.