ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2019.
When I first decided I was leaving education back in 2016 to pursue writing full-time, I was terrified. I had spent my entire adult life as either a substitute teacher or full-time educator. I was always doing some sort of traditional job where someone signed my paychecks and I didn’t have to worry about how I was going to pay my own bills. Becoming a full-time writer wasn’t an easy transition for me. I spent my time, in the beginning, learning about how to go about building The Moonlit Goddess writing line. The whole process was a serious learning curve for me.
What genres would I focus on? What were my blogs going to be about? How would I go about reaching a loyal following? Would people criticize my writing? What happens if I suck? These were all things that were rushing through my mind. I tried to remain positive and tried my best to just focus on the day to day and like a baby learning how to swim for the first time, I just dove right in! Mistakes would be made. I’d learn and adjust and fine-tune and create what I have to say is an admirable and respectable writing line.
I learned a lot about myself since starting this venture. I learned that there are a lot of people out there who are envious of my passion, charisma, and positivity. I remember one conversation I had with a fellow educator, who has since died, told me once that when you’re doing something right in life, your stuff will be so good that people will want to steal from you!
I never really related to this bit of sage wisdom until very recently. I realized that if people are emulating what I am doing, then I must be doing something right!
2018 was a horrible year for me. I was stagnant in my writing, I was making excuses, I gained weight, I was depressed, miserable, I hated myself. I really was going nowhere fast. I was miserable in dealing with my dad every day. I feel horrible for what my dad is going through and I wouldn’t wish dementia on my own worst enemy but at the same time I am resentful to be caring for this man who, when I was growing up, would rather put on his shoes so fast to get away from his family than to celebrate a birthday, a holiday, or come to a spring concert, or sit with one of his kids when they were sick with colds. It takes a completely special individual to put all that hatred and negativity aside and provide the quality care my whole family is administering to my father now. There was just so much inner turmoil going on that I relied on another person, wrongly, as a safety crutch. I realize now what a huge mistake that was and how much I cheated myself in 2018.
2019 didn’t start off much better. My money is ever dwindling, I started the new year running to the bank to deposit one lousy dollar so my bank account wouldn’t be charged an overdraft fee when they extracted the monthly seven dollar fee, and getting into a minor fender bender. I laughed to myself at how I thought by doing that sage smudging/burning ceremony that it would somehow represent a new beginning for me in 2019 but I’m wondering if I just unleashed holy hell on myself and if this is what I’m meant to experience in 2019–one ridiculous flub after another!
I consider myself a strong and ambitious woman. I’ve been through the depths of hell, slapped on my war paint more times than I can count and entered the trenches of war-torn areas of the darkest parts of my psyche. I’ve been through worse in the past and this to me is nothing new and nothing that I can’t handle.
On a positive note, 2019 does have some shining moments. My writing has never been stronger, and I do have some leads on some freelance writing opportunities. As I stare at my ledger of the list of upcoming bills that are soon due, I know that the clock is ticking and I need to keep writing daily if I am to survive in this business. I also know that as a strong and ambitious woman, what makes me strong and ambitious are all of the twists and turns and the ups and downs. I can’t expect life to be a straightforward path. There will be tons of obstacles and tragedies that I will face and it is how I face them that matter, not the tragedies themselves that I must focus on and I know with that powerful knowledge in my hands I know that I am going to be just fine.