Friday the 13th and The Moonlit Goddess

ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 2019. 

Happy Friday the 13th everyone!  I wanted to update you all on what I’ve been up to lately in terms of my writing and other projects. This September, I decided to focus on getting myself back on track financially. I find myself constantly thinking of old, traditional ways and how they never worked for me in the past and even though I’m well aware that they never worked out, I still  have that idea of wanting to feel normal and wanting to fit in and wanting to have that traditional 9 to 5 job where I’d set my alarm at 5 a.m. and shower and get ready and make myself healthy lunches and go to an office and do my job dutifully and come home and eat dinner and shower and go to bed and do it all again the next day.

I don’t know how many times I have to make the same mistakes in order to get it through my thick skull that that person will never be me. I spent the beginning of this month putting my resume up through those online job finders and I got bombarded with e-mails from companies. I was excited at first. I was like hey, maybe I will find a regular, “normal person” job after all. But what I hadn’t realized is that the resumes are not read by real people. There’s software that sorts out keywords in people’s resumes and then if they feel that there are enough keywords then they present you with interviews. So, I got a few leads, made a few phone calls, wrote a few e-mails expressing interest in certain jobs. I was awarded interviews. I got excited. I was already spending theoretical paychecks I had not yet received from a job I had not yet been awarded.

There was one job I really wanted and was actually given a second interview for but this time I was meeting with the CEO. First of all, that person never even read my resume or knew anything about me when it came time for the interview. I cringed when the CEO opened my website and started playing my songs and going through all of my webpages and seeing all of my accomplishments. He basically thanked me for my time but gave me the ol’ heave-ho because there was nothing on my resume that suggested I qualified for the job. I looked at him and I said, well, I didn’t set up this appointment so someone must have thought I was qualified. Basically, thanks for wasting my time. I wasn’t very confident about getting this job because he blew me off the day before when the interview was originally scheduled for and I’ve experienced that in the past with teaching positions when I’d have to wait in the office for almost an hour for the principal to grace himself for the interview and I’d obviously not get the position.

So, I took this valuable lesson and said, fuck it. When are you going to get it through your thick, stubborn skull that you’re not like everyone else? Doesn’t mean you’re incompetent, doesn’t mean you’re unwilling, doesn’t mean you’re lazy, doesn’t mean you’re unmotivated. You just have to re-work your qualifications and make them work for you instead of trying to always fit and shove yourself into a mold you’ve never ever been able to fit in before in your entire life. I’m not unique. I’m not grandiose. I don’t think I’m better than anyone else. But I do know I’m different. And that is okay. I can use my difference to make a difference in the world and I kind of like that idea. I know that I’m a smart and capable woman.

When I first met my ex, one of the first things he told me was that I was a waste of potential. He said that I offered so many wonderful gifts to the world and was saddened that no one ever took the time to get through each layer. And for whatever reason, that was whether it was because of my weight, because I’m impossibly shy, because of my depression and anxiety, because I’m an emotional woman, because I’m down to earth and real and I don’t play the game that everyone wants me to play. I don’t say yes on no lips. I don’t nod in agreement on a head that wants tell you to go fuck yourself. I’m my own person. And because my life worked out the way it had, my opportunities were different than most people and that’s okay. I recognize that my difference is not a punishment and that I can use that to my advantage.

As a result, I’ve decided to offer my services which are highlighted on my main page. I have listed a whole bunch of freelance services that I offer a la carte for those who may be interested. I have a lot of things up there that may be appealing especially to those who are starting out as writers. Also, maybe to organizations who need public speakers to speak out about depression, anxiety, dementia, and other difficult topics to break the stigma and educate others what it’s like to live with these in your life. Whatever the case may be, I urge you all to look into my freelancing options and even if you’re not interested, maybe someone else might be and you can pass that along.

For September, that’s what I’m focused on for now is establishing my freelance business. I have a project that I’m planning on diving into for October and November to align with this year’s NaNoWriMo competition. Also, if you want to take a look at another important project I am starting around January 2020, take a look at my Patreon page here: www.patreon.com/themoonlitgoddess

Thanks so much for your continued support and interest in what I do. I was just recently told that this lovely woman I used to work with when I was substitute teaching bought two copies of John of Art. One for her and one for her colleague. When I released A Wynter’s Tale two years ago, she bought a copy and then the whole building ended up reading the book with that same copy. I explained to her that I am self-published and I don’t have a salary and every book I buy I get a very tiny portion of the royalties and that I don’t profit or benefit from the whole building reading my book for free. It’d be one thing if they were reading it for free and providing book reviews on either Amazon or Goodreads but they were doing neither. So they were reading the book and not supporting me in any way. So to combat the vultures, she bought two copies so she made sure she was supporting me. That meant just about everything to me. I was humbled and blown away by her kindness and generosity. It is because of women like her that I can get up in the morning and continue doing what I do. To know that there are still good people in the world, that’s just a lovely place to begin. I’d like to know more about good people out there which is why I will continue this fight to spread the word on my work and all that I wish to do with it. Thank you all again for always having my back.

For authors new and established, I’ve really been getting into reading again. If you’d like to provide me with a copy of your work, I’d gladly read it and provide a review for you via Goodreads. The only thing I ask is you extend the same courtesy. I get tons of free codes for my audiobooks so I don’t mind giving you a code so you can listen to either A Wynter’s Tale or John of Art when it’s formally released within the next few weeks. I thank you all in advance for anyone who is interested. Have a great Friday the 13th everyone and have a great weekend!

 

♥”I’m a stranger here, but I will learn its language and read its signs.”

-Amy Jellicoe, Enlightened, HBO.♥

 

 

This Time Of Year

blog post september 3rd 2019

ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 2019. 

I decided to take August off and not post any blogs, or post on social media, or write or create any art at all this month. I decided to take the month to breathe, reflect, catch up on reading, television, and just generally absorbing all of my accomplishments of 2019, so far, and seriously contemplate where I’d like to head next in terms of my creative ambitions.

I love the fall. I always associate the fall as the beginning. Many associate January with the new year starting from scratch, but because I spent sixteen years in education, I will always associate September as the clean slate I always need to get things done. I love everything about the fall. I love the cooler temperatures, the changing colors of the leaves, the quiet streets as kids are safely back in school, the smell of the air with the fresh rain and crispness and promises of better times to come. I love pumpkin spice everything. I love the fall holidays Halloween and Thanksgiving. I love cuddle weather. The hoodies. The music, the book reading, the general peacefulness this season awards us. I am reminded of the Better Than Ezra song, “This Time of Year”: “Well, there’s a feeling in the air, just like a Friday afternoon…Well, there’s a football in the air across the leave-blown field.” Those two lyrics speak so much to me of what a typical fall day feels like. There’s really nothing like this time of year.

I have about four projects running through my mind and I’m thinking, where do I go next? I’ve exhausted the children’s books, the poetry, and the novellas. I ache for change and I decided to opt for something vastly different than what I consider “The Moonlit Goddess formula.”

One project I’m embarking upon this fall is top secret. I decided for my new year’s resolution this year, that I was going to produce not discuss. I have discussed so much in the past all of the things that I wanted to do and ended up not creating anything at all. I hate that feeling. This has worked well for me this year and I have honored every promise that I made so far in terms of my creative pursuits. For this new project, I decided that I’m just going to do first and then talk about it once it’s well under production. This new venture is hopefully going to produce more success in the financial aspect of my creative endeavors. I will be sure to update everyone on the progress as and when and will reveal what this special project is in the near future. I’m hoping to wrap this one up in December of this year.

The next two projects I don’t mind discussing because they were things I wanted to produce for a long time and will be “works in progress” for the near future with no real release date in sight, as of yet. These are just ideas that I’ve been toying with that I really want to get done soon. The first project I decided I want to work on is something that I had been planning to work on since December of 2017 when my ex-fiance and I went to Ellis Island. He and I planned on working on a graphic novel together. We have actually been on speaking terms lately. We agreed that we are best suited as friends and we would both support each other with our creative pursuits. We decided to pursue the graphic novel concept as sort of a trust-building exercise between us to see if we have it in us to even work together again creatively without wanting to beat each other to a pulp. My ex made some mistakes but the one thing he was always proficient at was generating excitement and being a cheerleader when things didn’t go well in my life. He was always good at motivating me to do better and we both had this incurable competitive streak to always want to be the best which led to our ultimate demise in terms of a romantic relationship but maybe productive and fruitful in terms of a working relationship. Sometimes you produce your best work when you have that competitive edge. You always want to be the best and do your very best when you’re working along with someone who has just as much at stake as you do. This may very well blow up in both of our faces. I’m looking forward to telling you all more about it in the future, good or bad. Pop that popcorn folks, the drama is back! Hopefully, not, but you guys know me well enough now to know that drama finds me everywhere I go. Which is hilarious because I seldom leave my office. Tsk, tsk.

Anyhow, now the third project is featured in my updated Patreon page. I highlighted and detailed everything about the project in my goals section. I am excited about this project and was something I’ve been wanting to do for quite some time. This project blends two things I love more than anything: photography and writing. It also lets me pay homage to one of my favorite photographers, Ansel Adams. You can read more about this project here for those of you who are interested: PSG Lopes/The Moonlit Goddess’ Patreon Page

Finally, the audiobook for John of Art is nearly complete. My wonderful and incredibly talented voice-over artist, Chris Kenworthy, did a phenomenal job narrating the book. I am glad that I was able to listen to my book while reading my manuscript. I wasn’t able to get a proper editor this time around and relied heavily on beta-readers. I recognize that that should not replace a professional editor but I wasn’t going to let that stop me from releasing this book. Upon reading John of Art a full month after finishing it, I was able to fine-tune it and the most updated manuscript is in damn good shape. I want to thank Chris and everyone else who had read John of Art in the beta phases. Thanks to those who have supported me and purchased the book. I will let you know when the audiobook becomes available. The one thing about being self-published and being an independent author is that you are the one who gets everything done yourself and with limited funding it is difficult to fully illustrate your vision the way you want it to be. I am also an incurable perfectionist with my work and even though I’m tragically flawed and recognize I will never be perfect, I take comfort in the illusion of perfection and that helps me cope and get by in terms of my creative releases. Anyway, thanks so much for checking in on me and my latest blog. This is what I did on my summer vacation LOL! Now, it’s back to work, bitches! Good luck to everyone this fall. I wish you all much prosperity, happiness, health, and all!

The Melancholy Dance That Became My Battle Cry: Dark Musings Poetry Anthology: Volume 3: The Wilted Perennials of Yesteryear

ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 2019.

Continuing this week’s theme of revisiting each of my written work, I decided to write about my last and latest poetry anthology: Dark Musings Poetry Anthology: Volume 3: The Wilted Perennials of Yesteryear. Today’s blog discusses what my inspirations were, where I came up with the concept for this piece, and why it defined this new and improved version of myself for 2019.

2019 didn’t start off at all how I had anticipated. 2018, 11:59 p.m. Ireland time, 6:59 p.m. EST, New Year’s Eve. This was the last minute that I had a fiance, I had the prospect of a life in Ireland, I had hope for a brighter future that wasn’t filled with misery, depression, hopelessness, anxiety, extreme and painful poverty, and sheer and utter disgust and hatred for myself as a failure of a human being. My ex filled ideas in my head that I could have a fulfilling life with him and I wanted so much to believe that. I so wanted to be that girl in those fairy tales that were whisked away by Prince Charming and finally had her happily ever after. I salivated at the thought with the prospect of change and hope that this man would be my one true love and I would live and die with him happily in our little love nest in the middle of nowhere in Ireland. That’s the life I had hoped to have and at the time I couldn’t imagine anything better.

I am so impressed by how the next turn of events occurred because they truly felt like a plot from a movie. Midnight struck, his time. I decided to go and look into his Facebook page and kept clicking on pictures, and other people’s FB pages on his feed and then BOOM! The reveal. And it wasn’t what you’d expect. Yes, a betrayal but not of the cheating variety. My heart sank. A huge part of me died that evening. I wanted to die that evening. Everything I ever hoped for died in just sixty seconds. Spending my entire life pretty much being morbidly obese, you pretty much have it drilled in your head that no man will ever love you and you’re going to die miserable and alone with eight million cats. This man changed that perception for me. Before I found out he had betrayed me, he made me feel loved and made me feel that I was worthy of someone else’s love. Weight didn’t matter to him. We are inseparable. Two peas in a pod. Twin Flames. Or so he had me believe.

I’m not going to delve into much deeper into the events that occurred because that’s not the point of this blog. The point is what happened afterward. After making a clean break, I decided that 2019 would be a time to find myself again. Recapture the momentum I had previously before I met this guy and learn to live life with just me again. Being with him for two years, I was nestled in this safety cocoon. The best way to describe the feeling is that feeling you get after reading a really good book series and when you’re finally done you happen to look up around you and realize you are not part of that book series. You have a life of your own and you must continue on living that same dreary life. Upon looking up and seeing the world for what it truly was, I was so depressed, so scared, so uncertain about everything. I felt like a complete loser, a failure, someone who couldn’t even be successful in a relationship. At that moment, I felt like I was indeed the biggest fuck up on the planet. I have literally ruined every single thing I’ve ever had. Being engaged granted me a sense of pride and I loved being this person’s fiancee. I loved the exotic belief that I was going to move overseas. (My box of crap is still there which I will never see again in this lifetime). But there was something about him that in the back of my mind I knew I couldn’t trust. I had intended to go to Ireland in September 2018, but I completely choked and ended up not going. First of all, having crippling anxiety I am not good even in a car by myself so I didn’t have much hope that I could get on a plane alone. My mom had asked my fiance to come here first so that I could fly with him and he declined. My mom told me right then and there that that was a surefire sign that he was not the right one for me. I also was reluctant to leave because my father was pretty unstable at the time and I just didn’t feel right leaving my mom and brother with him while my other siblings were working full-time. They relied on my assistance and I knew that they were not going to be okay without me.

There were so many things running in the back of my mind, but there was also a lack of trust of him from the beginning. He was erratic, flighty, flaky, switching from job to job. He was poor too and he just wasn’t solidifying on a path that would bring him prosperity. I ignored the warning signs despite my family’s pleas. I was deeply in love. Being in love was a potent drug. One that I had never really experienced before and one that I hope to never experience again. The whole ordeal was so troublesome and I’m only now feeling somewhat comfortable in my own skin again.

One of the constant themes of our relationship dealt with farming, flowers in general, geraniums, wildflowers, etc. So upon our breakup, I derived the concept of the Wilted Perennials of Yesteryear as the title of my latest poetry anthology. Perennials being flowers which grow back every year. We had talked about growing our own vegetables, flowers, etc. on his land. So that theme always intrigued, impressed, and inspired me. The idea of them being wilted to me, symbolized the loss of dreams, loss of hope, loss of a better existence. He promised me a pre-Raphaelite existence. A life where we stood hand in hand walking into the multi-colored hues of the fiery sunset experiencing all of life’s ups and downs together. But that was ripped away and is now but a distant memory that seems like several lifetimes ago but yet having it only happened last year, hence my use of the word yesteryear.

I started working on this anthology right away as the new year started. I had compiled all of my floral photography that I had taken over the years and then furiously wrote poem after poem after poem of heartache, loss, betrayal, disappointment, disgust, hatred, madness, sadness, desolation, bereavement, anguish and pain. I not only wrote about my ex but wrote about feminism, about the pain of my dad’s illness, frustrations of family life, and even included a short horror story which I called “The Clown-Covered Canvas” which was inspired by two paintings I found in my dad’s closet as I was reorganizing the attic to convert into my bedroom/office space.

All of this work together became what is now known as Dark Musings Poetry Anthology: Volume 3: The Wilted Perennials of Yesteryear. This piece was so much more than just poetry to paper. This piece helped me merge into the woman I am today because of the events that occurred at the beginning of the new year. It made me stronger, more confident in my work, and was really the first piece that made me feel like a true writer. Unfortunately, this piece is the most expensive piece I have up on Amazon and that’s because it’s a fully colorized photographic experience that accompanies each poem and story. Like Volume 2, it’s colorized and expensive because it costs a lot to print colorized photographs and digital art. This piece deserved to be in full color. To me, the colors added to the imagery of the poetry.

I incorporated a lot of different types of poetry in this piece too. Volume 2 featured my first attempt at an epic poem. For Volume 3; however, I wrote sonnets, limericks, haikus, elegies, couplets, free verse, acrostics, villanelles, sestinas, ekphrastic poetry, concrete poetry, epigrams, ballads, epitaphs, tankas, odes, and more! I really utilized my skills and challenged myself to branch out and try new writing techniques and I definitely feel this was my most mature piece to date. I’m highly proud of this book. What is most amazing was this was the first writing piece that was featured in a newspaper article since 2009. In 2009, I won the 3rd place prize for the Ella T. Grasso award sponsored by UNICO. The prize was for my short story “A Breath of Freedom” which is featured in my Dark Musings Poetry Anthology: Volume 2: The Storm Over Vermillion Fields. The newspaper article spawned much-needed confidence to seek out other methods of advertising my work. It also inspired me to reach out and interview a fellow creative for the first time on my own Podcast. So the broken version of me merged with this new, improved version of myself who believes in herself and the work that she presents to the world.

This book will always signify to me who I am now and how I should never sacrifice or compromise my values and standards for anyone and that being alone is better than being with someone who makes you feel alone. The Wilted Perennials of Yesteryear is a book for any woman who wishes to regain their sense of strength, to reclaim their power and aims to provide the confidence, the perseverance, and resilience to overcome any adversities and challenges life has thrown at us. This piece is my love letter to any woman who felt wronged or betrayed or blindsided. For every woman who felt slighted, embarrassed, shamed, gaslighted… As the great and powerful Chaka Khan sang, “I’m every woman.” Thank you for reading today’s blog!

For this and all of my other works please visit my Amazon Author Page here: amazon.com/author/psglopes.

VISIT THE MOONLIT GODDESS PATREON PAGE HERE

 

The Audiobook for A Wynter’s Tale is Now Available Through Amazon, Audible, and iTunes!

ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 2019.

Here we are in April 2019! I feel like I have a lived a thousand lifetimes this year and we are only three and a half months into the new year! So much has happened to me personally and with family, and instead of dwelling on negatives in life I chose to turn my life around in a positive manner and got to work on several projects which are only the beginning for me this year!

Here is yet another accomplishment for me this 2019, so far! Thank you to everyone who is consistently viewing my website and reading my blogs and listening to my podcasts and has always been a beacon of light in the darkness. Your constant encouragement and praises are what motivates me to try harder and to keep going!

NOW AVAILABLE IN THE AUDIBLE, AMAZON, and iTunes apps: My first audiobook for my novella, A Wynter’s Tale! It is narrated by voice-over artist Chris Kenworthy! I am so proud of this work and having my work created as an audiobook has been a dream of mine for a long time! I am so happy to see it come to fruition! It is available now for $14.95 on the above platforms! I hope that you all enjoy!

Click the following orange links below to get your copy of my audiobook in the various platforms:

Audible: A Wynter’s Tale Audiobook via Audible!

Amazon: A Wynter’s Tale via Amazon!

iTunes: A Wynter’s Tale via iTunes!

 

A Wynter’s Tale is also available in paperback and Kindle Editions! Click on the picture below if you are interested in buying a physical copy of my novella!