I Fear Success More Than I Fear Failure

blog pic january 17th 2019.png

ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2019.

Before I get into today’s rant, I’d like to take a moment to show off my amazing new business cards featuring my new logo and updated contact information. I also received postcards and stickers as well with the new logo to hand out to my readers when my new work comes out soon! A very special thanks to my sister for always taking care of her sissy! Thanks for always believing in me and pushing me to keep going especially on the days when I feel I have nothing left to give.

Now onto today’s topic. Success. When I first decided to leave teaching altogether in 2016 and start The Moonlit Goddess, I did some research and decided to focus on writing erotica full-time. There were so many things I was unhappy about while writing erotica but had read several articles of people becoming rich quick with writing erotica for Amazon through their self-publishing platform. Not really concerned about quality, I was writing four erotica short stories a month every month for four months. I charged a mere 99 cents a story and kept my identity under wraps and wasn’t really sure how to go about marketing my work. I knew that I still wanted to write poetry, and I dabbled in photography and digital art as well, so I knew that was something I was interested in also pursuing.

Several things went wrong during my earlier pursuits in writing.  I hated writing pieces in shame. I hated the way that people were speaking to me and treated me when I wrote erotica. I just ultimately felt sick to my stomach about it and realized that this was not my true path as a writer. I felt that my writing deserved an appropriate platform to address all of my hopes and fears. I wanted to triumph in my successes and lament in my failures with all of you without hiding behind this persona having to hide in darkness in the shame of my writing. I also had no one to properly edit my erotica because it’s not really something many wanted to look at let alone edit so I’d publish the work with a lot of typographical errors. A real amateur mistake. This whole fiasco lasted four months. I was simultaneously releasing poetry samples and my erotica from September 2016 to December 2016.

My new year’s resolution in January 2017 was to completely revamp my writing line in order to create pieces for everyone to enjoy. I was able to step out of the shadows and fully identify myself and my brand and, in my opinion, created something that I am truly proud of and can continue working on and improve upon as time passed. In 2017, I self-published two poetry anthologies, one novella, and a children’s book, along with my song single. 2017 was a great year for me and I had hoped that 2018 would bring similar prosperity. That would not be the case.

Even though 2017 was a successful year in terms of my writing, I was going through a lot of major changes personally. I had new people in my life whom I was using as a safety net while I was dealing with a lot of horrible trauma at home. This trauma involved my dad who is currently suffering from advanced dementia. I found a romantic escape and used that as a crutch as well as food. I gained a lot of weight in 2018 and was not concerned with anything other than moving overseas and beginning a new life. Throughout all of this, I hadn’t realized how I was cheating myself and not producing any writing at all. 2018 was a horrible dry spell for creativity and I’m so ashamed of myself for completely letting my dream slide through my very capable fingertips. During that whole romantic bubble, never did I once believe that while I was at home depressed, anxious, and dealing with the daily care of my father, I was simply letting precious time pass me by.

My world came crashing down in the new year of 2019. I woke up from the bewitching spell I was under and now a fire has been properly lit under my ass and I am no-nonsense back into writing 100%. I’ve been writing frantically every day since the new year and I’ve no intention of stopping. I recognize that I was regressing a lot and waxing nostalgic over the past instead of focusing on my bright writing future. I always ever knew failure and was terrified of what would happen if I actually felt a bit of success. That’s why I hid behind the erotica, that’s why I always self-sabotaged dieting and exercise, and I always forged unhealthy relationships that I recognize now are no good for me. I am always hiding. I am always playing it safe. I don’t allow myself the possibility of actually feeling what it’s like to maybe be a success for once instead of always succumbing to that self-fulfilling prophecy of failure. Failure is expected of me. I have never known true success. My family had never witnessed success for myself. They always expected me to fail. They know the flaky, unreliable, flighty version of me. They know that the second things are going well for me, I give up and run the other way. And that’s exactly what I did in 2018. I cheated myself repeatedly and set myself up for failure. I don’t know why I did it. I don’t know what I was thinking. I do recognize it now and am going to spend 2019 rectifying my past mistakes.

Maybe this path was meant to happen so that it would shake me up a bit and realize what a mistake I made and fight harder for the things that I want in life. I do want to succeed as a writer. I do want to get out of this financial rut that I’m perpetually in and I want to know what it’s like to treat my family for a meal without sweating about where I’m going to find the funds to replace the money I spent. I want to know what financial freedom is like and I want to be able to take care of myself first and foremost and have the capabilities of taking care of my family like they took care of me all of these years. I feel that we’ve all been touched greatly by misfortune over the years. It is well past time that my family and I felt what it was like to feel the sunshine of success touch our faces as we march towards a greater existence.

I know 2019 will be my year. And as of January 17th, 2019, I am fulfilling my end of the bargain.

Happy 1 Year Anniversary The Moonlit Goddess! What’s Next on the Writing Agenda!

 

Happy 1 year anniversary to The Moonlit Goddess Writing Line! When I decided to quit teaching after 15 years, I was so nervous and scared and lost. I’d done it all. I worked on my bachelors, my masters and my phd in business administration. I traveled the east coast and west coast throughout my schooling. I had met so many inspiring people. Although I had grown and expanded everything around me in my home town seemed to stay the same. My world grew bigger and a lot of people had a difficult time understanding me. If you learned what I learned, saw with these eyes what I have seen. If you heard stories from people all over our great country. If you listened thoughtfully to their struggles and how they persevered in the end. It inspired me to move on from somewhere I could not grow and built something from the ground up. Now my writing line is thriving and I met a wonderful person along my journey. I am scrounging and saving every penny to help build a better existence for myself and I will continue to produce meaningful work along the way. Thanks for being here and sharing in this wonderful, wild, and exhilarating journey with me. The 3 P’s that keep me going: Patience, Persistence, and Perseverance! 

Now, what’s next on my writing agenda! I signed myself up for the NaNoWriMo Challenge for the month of November. I’ve decided to be a little ambitious and a little crazy. I am not sure that I can do, but I am going to try. For the month of October, I’m going to try to write John of Art. For November, I’m going to try to write Shadows on Elm. I will update everyone on my progress. So far, I have written two chapters of John of Art, so I am on the right path! Wish me luck!

In the meantime, I just published my first children’s book: The Moonlit Goddess Presents: The Will O’ The Wisp Tales: Little Stan’s Lucky Day! This is available through Amazon Kindle and paperback formats on Amazon on the links below! Please remember to leave me feedback! Thanks so much!

Little Stan’s Lucky Day $2.99 Amazon Kindle Edition

Little Stan’s Lucky Day $15.00 Amazon Paperback

My children’s book was chosen to be featured and read aloud during Ireland’s Children’s Book Festival throughout the month of October! I am very proud of this distinguished honor. Special thanks to my literary agent and my love bug, Robert Peacock for making this happen!

Also, Little Stan’s Lucky Day has been entered in the Pen to Publish 2017 Contest through Amazon that would award me a publishing contract and a mentor-ship with prestigious members of the writing profession. So wish me luck! Thanks for everything. Thanks to my family and friends for your nurturing and support of my passionate venture! I can’t wait to update you all on news of future events!

 

Little Stan’s Lucky Day Now On Sale in Amazon Kindle Format!

My first children’s book: The Moonlit Goddess Presents: The Will O’ The Wisp Tales: Little Stan’s Lucky Day is now on sale in Amazon Kindle Format only at the moment. I am still working on finalizing the paperback format. It is always the greatest struggle for me during publication time. The writing and putting the book together is the easiest part. It is the publishing that kills me. It is definitely a frustrating process. I will get there eventually. In the meantime, the book is available digitally through Amazon Kindle. It costs $2.99. Thank you so much for your patience. In the meantime, my children’s book is going to be read in the month of October at the Ireland Children’s Book Festival. My literary agent, Robert Peacock has been working tirelessly trying to promote my work overseas! (Thanks so much hun for all that you do for me!!)

The Kindle version is available here for $2.99 Little Stan’s Lucky Day

The children’s book is also entered into a contest that would provide me with an opportunity to get published by a traditional publishing company and to mentored by revered individuals who have years of experience in the literary field. Every day I am humbled and grateful to continue to have dreams of mine come into fruition. I never grow tire of the excitement and joy of being able to produce meaningful and quality work to my fans. Thanks for making it all possible!

Once the paperback version is published, I am going to start working right away on John of Art and after that Shadows on Elm. I signed up for the NaNoWriMo Challenge for this November. I  am hoping to have at least one of my novellas completed by then! 50k words in 30 days. Let’s see if that is going to happen! Will be a dream come true to have the next novella released so soon!