Mercury Retrograde and the Seven Three Seven Enigma

blog pic july 21st, 2019

ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 2019.

A lot of really bizarre things have been happening to me over the last few days and I was wondering what the ever-loving fuck was going on here? Then I read an article that stated that apparently, Mercury is in retrograde (I’m not going to waste time explaining what that is, I’m not your teacher, Google it, that’s not what this blog is about). I am a hokey person. I love reading my horoscope daily and I may not necessarily “believe” in zodiac signs and follow it like a religion; however, I enjoy reading about all that stuff for entertainment purposes only.

The article said a lot of enlightening things about relationships and about how bad luck would come my way from now until August 15th and that now wasn’t the time to find a relationship and that I should focus on having a summer fling instead. Ha! It was a real hoot reading this article. I feel like I’ve lived my wild years in my twenties. After being in a long-term relationship for two years and now being single again, I miss that connection, the realness and seeming permanence of a lasting, monogamous relationship. I loved the intimacy, and I’m not just talking about the sex part, I’m talking about having someone to share my most intimate, deepest and darkest conversations with at all hours of the day and night, having someone support me and take my side when it seems like no one else will. I miss a lot about being someone’s girlfriend, cheerleader, fiance, and soon to be wife. That idea of being together in perpetuity. After almost seven months broken up, I’m only now coming out of my shell and just testing the waters very, very lightly to see what’s around. I have a very particular taste. I am picky and I don’t just pick anyone to engage in a relationship with. It took me thirty-six years to find my ex and wanted to stay with him until the revelation of his inevitable betrayal. I’m not in any sort of hurry to find the next individual to engage in a long-term relationship with. There’s time. I just feel fortunate enough to be in a healthy mental space that I’d want to date again after that whole ordeal. To me, that is triumphant in and of itself.

I rejoined this old pen pal site I had signed up for several years back when I got my gall bladder removed. The recovery was painful and I was suffering from mild post-traumatic stress over the whole ordeal and needed a distraction so I joined this pen pals program. I met so many people along the way and out of all of those people I only kept in touch with one of them. Now that I rejoined, I realized what a completely different person I became over the years since I last used that site. I realized how much more self-aware I am. I am more confident, self-assured, and much more intelligent. I am well-educated, very accomplished with my writing and art and other endeavors. It may not be demonstrative monetarily yet but I’ve learned a fuck of a lot and most people can’t do what I do. The things I’ve learned took great patience, many hours to learn, persistence, resilience, and perseverance. It really is not for the faint of heart. I feel empowered, outspoken, courageous, brave, opinionated, strong, and all of these unfamiliar feelings I hadn’t felt just a few short years ago prior to my relationship with my ex. During that time I was with my ex I was writing, blogging, photographing, creating art, etc. and growing stronger every day with everything that I had learned.  I picked up new neat tricks and utilized them. I learned how to podcast, how to create book covers, how to format my books, learned all these neat tricks utilizing social media, etc. I hadn’t realized that with each skill I had acquired I was becoming more and more intelligent and capable and independent.

I am finding it very difficult to find pen pals now to talk to because I feel that I am threatening to men. When you talk to me I can be quite intimidating, I’m not going to lie. Not superficially, of course, I’m average to look at. I’m a cherubic woman with a rat’s nest hairdo that I trim myself every few months that I can barely comb through. I only wear makeup on special occasions and when its cooler out. I don’t like the clown effect where makeup just slides off my face at the hint of a warmer climate. I don’t shave anymore because I don’t feel the need to and I really don’t give a fuck who complains about it. My body, my house. I have to live with myself and if I’m comfortable that’s all that really matters. I have no one to impress. I am a vastly different person than I was just a few short years ago. I have this confidence; however, and self-assuredness when I speak to men that regardless of my superficial imperfections appeals to a lot of men.

I have no fear when I talk to men. I feel autistic sometimes in that I can just fearlessly approach the ones I’m interested in and strike a conversation. I have an intriguing look but when I speak that’s when the problems arise. It becomes awkward and strange after a few minutes of giving someone the “who am I” part of the introduction. The effect I have on men is synonymous with the movie, “So I Married an Axe Murderer,” where Mike Myer’s character Charlie begs the bellboy to “Stay for a nightcap” and the guy is so freaked out after being asked numerous times he just storms out. That’s the effect I have on men after speaking to them.

I claim to be outspoken, argumentative, strong, powerful, etc. and men will message or approach me thinking they’re herculean and decide “let me attempt to tame the beast” and go in fully cocked and when I fight back with my cunning words, I actually get responses like “Uh, good luck to you, I don’t think we’d get along. Take care” or I don’t hear back from them at all. No more text messages, messages on messenger, e-mails, etc. Total radio silence. It kind of makes me laugh and I feel triumphant and more powerful that I actually have that power to intimidate men. I’m not interested in getting into a power struggle with men and I definitely don’t believe I’m better than anyone else but I know that I am a rare breed and I’m not an easy person to confront or get along with. I’m very choosy who I talk to and I don’t have the best luck and I realize that most will run when they speak to me. And I’ve accepted that. The attitude I have now when guys dismiss me because they can’t handle my intensity and intelligence is “Argo fuck yourself.”

To go full circle with this discussion, let me go back to the whole mercury retrograde and the significance of seven, three, seven. So another interesting point the article made about this mysterious mercury retrograde is that past exes will come out of the woodwork and reach out to you out of nowhere. And what do you know, at exactly four fifty-four, Eastern Daylight Time, I received an e-mail with the last three digits seven, three, seven that became synonymous with this man I knew many years in my past. To me, he and I had an interesting dynamic. We were never a couple, per se, we always knew each other just as online friends. But there was something different about this gentleman. The years I knew him felt passionate, wild, reckless, and freeing. Pardon me if this sounds strange, but I always felt that even though we never physically met, I always considered him one of the greatest loves of my life. He was someone whom I needed at that point in my life and I don’t regret the time we shared getting to know one another. He stopped talking to me inexplicably many years ago and I always wondered what happened and thought I was crazy, and worthless, and foolish, and dumb, the whole a la cart list that women pick and choose to blame themselves over a guy to justify what happened.

He messaged me yesterday and I messaged back and he saw my e-mail signature at the end of my e-mail with my author name, company name, work title, and all of my websites and social media. He actually commented stating, “How many social media accounts do ya need in ya life, woman?” And I laughed it off and explained to him what I had been up to. It felt good to tell him how I’ve lived these past few years when he was not involved in my life. Telling him about my education, my accomplishments and all of the hardships I faced this year (breaking up with my fiance, my dad nearly dying, etc.), along with all of the good things that happened (publishing three new pieces so far, the audiobook production, being in the newspaper twice, etc.). I felt so empowered, so damned strong. And wouldn’t you know, the enigma dissipated as fast as it approached, damned mercury retrograde! He did not return my e-mail. The old me would’ve been weak and e-mailed him repeatedly pleading with him to come back, apologizing, making myself feel like I was at fault or that I did something wrong as to why he didn’t want to message me back and spend hours neurotically overthinking what I had done wrong even though in actuality I had done absolutely nothing wrong. I feel nothing either way now. And that made me feel so fucking powerful.

This time, I’m the one in charge. I’m the one with the power. And that person can’t make me feel diminished any further. He took enough from me years ago. Ruined my self-esteemed made me feel like I was beneath him and not worthy. I’m more than worthy now, sugar. What have you been up to? You couldn’t even answer me because you’re probably right where I left you all those years back. Still running in circles chasing your own tail while I am out there working my ass off trying to make it in this world. Like Captain America stated, “I can do this all day.” Thanks for e-mailing me and helping me understand and verify that I’m too good for weak men. Take that, Mercury retrograde!

Recognizing the Strong and Ambitious Woman

blog january 8th 2019

ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2019.

When I first decided I was leaving education back in 2016 to pursue writing full-time, I was terrified. I had spent my entire adult life as either a substitute teacher or full-time educator. I was always doing some sort of traditional job where someone signed my paychecks and I didn’t have to worry about how I was going to pay my own bills. Becoming a full-time writer wasn’t an easy transition for me. I spent my time, in the beginning, learning about how to go about building The Moonlit Goddess writing line. The whole process was a serious learning curve for me.

What genres would I focus on? What were my blogs going to be about? How would I go about reaching a loyal following? Would people criticize my writing? What happens if I suck? These were all things that were rushing through my mind. I tried to remain positive and tried my best to just focus on the day to day and like a baby learning how to swim for the first time, I just dove right in! Mistakes would be made. I’d learn and adjust and fine-tune and create what I have to say is an admirable and respectable writing line.

I learned a lot about myself since starting this venture. I learned that there are a lot of people out there who are envious of my passion, charisma, and positivity. I remember one conversation I had with a fellow educator, who has since died, told me once that when you’re doing something right in life, your stuff will be so good that people will want to steal from you!

I never really related to this bit of sage wisdom until very recently. I realized that if people are emulating what I am doing, then I must be doing something right!

2018 was a horrible year for me. I was stagnant in my writing, I was making excuses, I gained weight, I was depressed, miserable, I hated myself. I really was going nowhere fast. I was miserable in dealing with my dad every day. I feel horrible for what my dad is going through and I wouldn’t wish dementia on my own worst enemy but at the same time I am resentful to be caring for this man who, when I was growing up, would rather put on his shoes so fast to get away from his family than to celebrate a birthday, a holiday, or come to a spring concert, or sit with one of his kids when they were sick with colds. It takes a completely special individual to put all that hatred and negativity aside and provide the quality care my whole family is administering to my father now. There was just so much inner turmoil going on that I relied on another person, wrongly, as a safety crutch. I realize now what a huge mistake that was and how much I cheated myself in 2018.

2019 didn’t start off much better. My money is ever dwindling, I started the new year running to the bank to deposit one lousy dollar so my bank account wouldn’t be charged an overdraft fee when they extracted the monthly seven dollar fee, and getting into a minor fender bender. I laughed to myself at how I thought by doing that sage smudging/burning ceremony that it would somehow represent a new beginning for me in 2019 but I’m wondering if I just unleashed holy hell on myself and if this is what I’m meant to experience in 2019–one ridiculous flub after another!

I consider myself a strong and ambitious woman. I’ve been through the depths of hell, slapped on my war paint more times than I can count and entered the trenches of war-torn areas of the darkest parts of my psyche. I’ve been through worse in the past and this to me is nothing new and nothing that I can’t handle.

On a positive note, 2019 does have some shining moments. My writing has never been stronger, and I do have some leads on some freelance writing opportunities. As I stare at my ledger of the list of upcoming bills that are soon due, I know that the clock is ticking and I need to keep writing daily if I am to survive in this business. I also know that as a strong and ambitious woman, what makes me strong and ambitious are all of the twists and turns and the ups and downs. I can’t expect life to be a straightforward path. There will be tons of obstacles and tragedies that I will face and it is how I face them that matter, not the tragedies themselves that I must focus on and I know with that powerful knowledge in my hands I know that I am going to be just fine.