Friday the 13th and The Moonlit Goddess

ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 2019. 

Happy Friday the 13th everyone!  I wanted to update you all on what I’ve been up to lately in terms of my writing and other projects. This September, I decided to focus on getting myself back on track financially. I find myself constantly thinking of old, traditional ways and how they never worked for me in the past and even though I’m well aware that they never worked out, I still  have that idea of wanting to feel normal and wanting to fit in and wanting to have that traditional 9 to 5 job where I’d set my alarm at 5 a.m. and shower and get ready and make myself healthy lunches and go to an office and do my job dutifully and come home and eat dinner and shower and go to bed and do it all again the next day.

I don’t know how many times I have to make the same mistakes in order to get it through my thick skull that that person will never be me. I spent the beginning of this month putting my resume up through those online job finders and I got bombarded with e-mails from companies. I was excited at first. I was like hey, maybe I will find a regular, “normal person” job after all. But what I hadn’t realized is that the resumes are not read by real people. There’s software that sorts out keywords in people’s resumes and then if they feel that there are enough keywords then they present you with interviews. So, I got a few leads, made a few phone calls, wrote a few e-mails expressing interest in certain jobs. I was awarded interviews. I got excited. I was already spending theoretical paychecks I had not yet received from a job I had not yet been awarded.

There was one job I really wanted and was actually given a second interview for but this time I was meeting with the CEO. First of all, that person never even read my resume or knew anything about me when it came time for the interview. I cringed when the CEO opened my website and started playing my songs and going through all of my webpages and seeing all of my accomplishments. He basically thanked me for my time but gave me the ol’ heave-ho because there was nothing on my resume that suggested I qualified for the job. I looked at him and I said, well, I didn’t set up this appointment so someone must have thought I was qualified. Basically, thanks for wasting my time. I wasn’t very confident about getting this job because he blew me off the day before when the interview was originally scheduled for and I’ve experienced that in the past with teaching positions when I’d have to wait in the office for almost an hour for the principal to grace himself for the interview and I’d obviously not get the position.

So, I took this valuable lesson and said, fuck it. When are you going to get it through your thick, stubborn skull that you’re not like everyone else? Doesn’t mean you’re incompetent, doesn’t mean you’re unwilling, doesn’t mean you’re lazy, doesn’t mean you’re unmotivated. You just have to re-work your qualifications and make them work for you instead of trying to always fit and shove yourself into a mold you’ve never ever been able to fit in before in your entire life. I’m not unique. I’m not grandiose. I don’t think I’m better than anyone else. But I do know I’m different. And that is okay. I can use my difference to make a difference in the world and I kind of like that idea. I know that I’m a smart and capable woman.

When I first met my ex, one of the first things he told me was that I was a waste of potential. He said that I offered so many wonderful gifts to the world and was saddened that no one ever took the time to get through each layer. And for whatever reason, that was whether it was because of my weight, because I’m impossibly shy, because of my depression and anxiety, because I’m an emotional woman, because I’m down to earth and real and I don’t play the game that everyone wants me to play. I don’t say yes on no lips. I don’t nod in agreement on a head that wants tell you to go fuck yourself. I’m my own person. And because my life worked out the way it had, my opportunities were different than most people and that’s okay. I recognize that my difference is not a punishment and that I can use that to my advantage.

As a result, I’ve decided to offer my services which are highlighted on my main page. I have listed a whole bunch of freelance services that I offer a la carte for those who may be interested. I have a lot of things up there that may be appealing especially to those who are starting out as writers. Also, maybe to organizations who need public speakers to speak out about depression, anxiety, dementia, and other difficult topics to break the stigma and educate others what it’s like to live with these in your life. Whatever the case may be, I urge you all to look into my freelancing options and even if you’re not interested, maybe someone else might be and you can pass that along.

For September, that’s what I’m focused on for now is establishing my freelance business. I have a project that I’m planning on diving into for October and November to align with this year’s NaNoWriMo competition. Also, if you want to take a look at another important project I am starting around January 2020, take a look at my Patreon page here: www.patreon.com/themoonlitgoddess

Thanks so much for your continued support and interest in what I do. I was just recently told that this lovely woman I used to work with when I was substitute teaching bought two copies of John of Art. One for her and one for her colleague. When I released A Wynter’s Tale two years ago, she bought a copy and then the whole building ended up reading the book with that same copy. I explained to her that I am self-published and I don’t have a salary and every book I buy I get a very tiny portion of the royalties and that I don’t profit or benefit from the whole building reading my book for free. It’d be one thing if they were reading it for free and providing book reviews on either Amazon or Goodreads but they were doing neither. So they were reading the book and not supporting me in any way. So to combat the vultures, she bought two copies so she made sure she was supporting me. That meant just about everything to me. I was humbled and blown away by her kindness and generosity. It is because of women like her that I can get up in the morning and continue doing what I do. To know that there are still good people in the world, that’s just a lovely place to begin. I’d like to know more about good people out there which is why I will continue this fight to spread the word on my work and all that I wish to do with it. Thank you all again for always having my back.

For authors new and established, I’ve really been getting into reading again. If you’d like to provide me with a copy of your work, I’d gladly read it and provide a review for you via Goodreads. The only thing I ask is you extend the same courtesy. I get tons of free codes for my audiobooks so I don’t mind giving you a code so you can listen to either A Wynter’s Tale or John of Art when it’s formally released within the next few weeks. I thank you all in advance for anyone who is interested. Have a great Friday the 13th everyone and have a great weekend!

 

♥”I’m a stranger here, but I will learn its language and read its signs.”

-Amy Jellicoe, Enlightened, HBO.♥

 

 

Dark Musings Poetry Anthology: Volume 2: The Storm Over Vermillion Fields–My Most Wildly Misunderstood Piece To Date

Vol 2 final front cover

ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 2019. 

My second poetry anthology book, Dark Musings Poetry Anthology: Volume 2: The Storm Over Vermillion Fields was an ambitious piece. The concept of  The Storm Over Vermillion Fields was to create an epic poem. I used John Milton’s Paradise Lost as inspiration in terms of structure. It certainly wasn’t as long as Paradise Lost but I learned a lot about epic poems and how to write one and found this piece to be inspirational and useful in terms of how I wanted my epic poem to look. I did countless research on the structure and how exactly an epic poem should be written, what its goal and objective were and how to ensure that it came across in a meaningful way to my readers.

This piece differed from Volume 1 in many ways. Where Volume 1 featured thirty poems back to back, Volume 2 had the highlight major epic poem The Storm Over Vermillion Fields and then featured short stories, poetry, and other free writes throughout the remainder of the book. The book was fully illustrated with my own photography and digital art. This was also the first book that I created that was more costly because of its rich and colorful content. The printing process is costly in itself and therefore the price is rather high for such work.

There was also a lot of misconception as far as the title was concerned. The word “vermillion” and my choice of spelling happened to be controversial to some. People see that there’s an extra “L” and the Grammar Nazi’s have a shit fit. But the extra “L” was indeed intentional. The word “vermilion” is a color–a reddish hue. Now, I liked the word itself because vermilion was the color red and the epic poem does include an epic battle, so the imagery of seeing a storm in a field full of red was very powerful to me. But adding that extra “L” had more meaning that many people understood. The root word “ver” means truth in Latin. Million broken apart “milli” meaning thousand or you can take the full value of “million.” So, I put together the word vermillion to mean “a thousand truths.” The title The Storm Over Vermillion Fields really was supposed to mean The Storm Over the Fields of a Thousand Truths. But that doesn’t quite have the same ring to it, now does it?

There is so much hidden meaning in this piece wrapped in imagery and colorful language and to the naked eye, the wording can be very difficult to interpret. Now, I warned you all in yesterday’s blog that poetry can indeed serve as a hidden, secret language between the author and the piece she is writing. And this piece was no different.

The story may appear cliche in nature but so many people out there still suffer the same sad woeful tale and it is a story meant repeating.

The tale starts with a young woman who is imprisoned by her mother and sister. They value vanity and money over self-worth and have discarded the poor young woman and she was left to starve and die. Three princes came to their kingdom in hopes of marrying the young woman’s sister. To the naked eye, the woman was beautiful and appeared to come from good stock; however, she was rotten inside and was devoid of any depth or real human emotion. Her younger sister lonely in her prison cell sang beautiful songs which transformed her inner beauty into an outward beauty making any male suitor she met instantly fall in love with her. The mother and sister concocted a plan to make sure that her song was never heard from any of the suitors. One night the young woman cried out to the gods begging for her release and to find true happiness and finally upon battle after battle the right suitor found her and freed her, imprisoning the mother and sister instead and they both lived on to be free and happy.

I wrote this piece in 2017 and my thoughts have changed a lot since writing this piece. I had just met my ex-fiance and still had that Prince Charming/happily ever after complex that I firmly believed in. Upon our breakup this year, I realized that yes I still feel like I need saving but the only person who can save me from my own misery is myself. I don’t need anyone to rescue me. The key to my salvation and to my freedom is fulfilling each goal I have for myself. I have to keep writing and growing as an artist. I have a responsibility, I feel, at least, to reach out to others who share similar stories as I do and make them aware that they are not alone. I am reminded of the Stabbing Westward song Save yourself: “I cannot save you, I can’t even save myself, So just save yourself.” So save myself, I shall.

I harbor a lot of anger, resentment, and bitterness over everything that has happened to me in my life. As I got older, I realized that there are very real villains out there and just because I am a nice person that does not mean that all people out there are the same as me. There are cruel people, people who may not demonstrate violence in the traditional sense that we are accustomed seeing but instead their brand of terror comes in the form of abusive language, actions, and screaming and yelling. I am saddened and sickened daily knowing that this is my world and a world that I must live with on a daily basis. I sometimes want to give up on my life and wonder if dying would help ease my suffering. The emotional pain becomes much too much to handle at times and I often feel that I am not strong enough to carry my burdens each day. I don’t have anyone else. All I have is myself. No one else gets what I go through. And even with me explaining it over and over most will never quite get it. I also wanted so much to feel and be perceived as normal in the eyes of society but I never was normal. I was always different. I always dressed differently, acted differently, thought differently and I always stood out like a sore thumb. The isolation became crippling but I know of no other way. No one wants to be near someone who questions things and who doesn’t accept the way things are and is always challenging and demanding change. These are all feelings I had deep within me when writing this piece. I still feel this way even today.

I still really love this volume of my poetry anthologies. This sophomore effort really challenged me as a writer, as an artist, and as an individual. The epic poem, other poems, lyrics, and short stories featured delved deep into my psyche. I even re-visited old poetry that I found from when I was a teenager and incorporated some in this anthology as well. I always loved re-visiting my old writing. I enjoy seeing my evolutionary self and even though I’ve changed dramatically in my adult years, the general theme of my life remains intact: That desperate need to feel understood and loved by others, the crippling loneliness and depression, an ache for something else out there that I have yet to find. At thirty-eight years of age.,I still have yet to find what exactly it is that I am looking for. Maybe someday I will find it.

Thanks for your continued support and for following my blog daily!

You can find this and all of  my other works on my Amazon Author Page: amazon.com/author/psglopes.

VISIT MY PATREON PAGE HERE: THE MOONLIT GODDESS PATREON PAGE

My Pilgrimage to the Ironbound

blog pic april 26th

ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED, 2019. 

I had an enlightening morning today. My father worked in an area known as the Ironbound section of Newark for nearly forty years. Shortly after he retired, my family and I realized that he was going through something because he began behaving erratically and drove our family crazy for months before we figured out his catastrophic diagnosis. Upon revealing his diagnosis of dementia, our family was devastated but we weren’t exactly familiar with the disease. We were unsure of its progression, we were uncertain of his prognosis; we were basically left in the dark. With each passing month, we become more knowledgeable and educated ourselves on his illness. A lot of what we learned was from witnessing it first hand. There really was no appropriate preparation for what was to come.

Before my father was diagnosed with dementia, my family was pretty much estranged from him. Even though we all lived in the same house as him, my father was a private man and preferred to live his life separately from everyone else. Because dementia is all-consuming and requires round the clock care, this introduced us to a whole other side of my father we never really knew. I realized that I never really fully knew this man I called my father. Not because I did not want to, mind you, but because as I said he wanted it that way. He had his job in the Ironbound, his clubs and organizations that he was a part of, he had his writing and art that he would pursue on evenings and weekends. He would travel and drive around areas alone and we were none the wiser. Since his illness, we became so intimately familiar with our father that it was as if we entered a rabbit hole, an endless fountain of knowledge and information about him, some unsavory, but for the most part, we learned of some things he was interested in that we never knew about.

Today I met with an amazing woman who is well-respected and revered at the Luso-Americano newspaper and discussed my children’s book which I wrote in his honor: My Pápá and Me: A Children’s Book About Our Journey With Dementia. It was so nice speaking to someone who knew my father well. I could almost feel his presence in that building. My father, once notoriously known for how well-dressed he always was, proud and confident in himself walking into the newspaper building and talking away with all of these fine people. It was so comforting to know that he was well remembered. A big motivator for me writing my latest children’s book was to ensure that nobody forgot about my father. He was so important for so many years in the Ironbound community and then he disappeared into the ether and not many people knew about what happened to him. Many abandoned him, some called about him in the beginning but then very quickly it was as if my father ceased to exist. That didn’t sit well with me. As complicated as our relationship was towards the end of his healthy years, I would never want his legacy to fade. My children’s book was essentially my way of coping with this devastating situation my family and I have been dealing with for the past six to seven years. It has been a long, torturous, and highly emotional road for us all. Our goal and mission are to make damn well sure that my family receives the best possible care for him and that he is remembered for his positive contributions to society. I may not have known this side of him well but it was clear from my interview today that he was respected and that provided me with reassurance.

I know that I will continue advocating for others going through similar circumstances. This disease is tragic and heartbreaking. So many times I sit and think about telling my father about all of my accomplishments in writing and I wonder what he would have thought about it. I try not to romanticize his reactions too much because prior to his illness our relationship wasn’t the strongest. But I’ve gotten to know this version of my father and I can honestly say he is lovely and sweet and we currently have the best relationship that we have had since I was a little girl. I have actually read my children’s book to him and he gave me a thumbs up and told me in Portuguese that it was good. I thought his reaction was sweet and heartwarming. This was not exactly the same as if I were to have shown my dad prior to his illness but I accept that. Our family loves him and are fiercely protective of him. I will continue watching out for him and I will continue to fight to ensure that each day he is met with the dignity and respect he deserves. His legacy will persevere. I will make sure of that.

If you are interested in purchasing any of my work, you can always check out my Amazon Author Page here. (click on the orange link).

You can also click on any of the pictures below to order any of my books, audiobook, or music.

My novella, A Wynter’s Tale, is also now available as an audiobook and is featured on Amazon, Audible, and iTunes! If you are interested, you can order my audiobook here. (Click on the orange link above for the audiobook!)

wynters-tale-outside-cover

Thank you very much to everyone who has already purchased my work in the past. Please make sure to leave a review and let me know what you think of my work! I appreciate you all always coming back and returning to read my blogs and to visit me on social media. I am continuously humbled and honored to have you all be a part of The Moonlit Goddess tribe!

Evening Updates

blog january 9th 2019.png

ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2019. 

I will keep this one brief tonight, folks. Just wanted to shoot a quick update on what I am currently up to lately. Been trying really hard to get my freelancing paid pursuits going while also working on my creative passion projects at the same time.

There are many things that I’m brewing at once and it feels really good to finally get my momentum and groove back that I had back in 2017. The dust has settled with the tumultuous entrance to 2019. I’m happier now, unencumbered by the strain and burden of my 2018 self. The skin has been shed and I am ready to embrace my new self as I embark on all of the adventures I have for myself in 2019.

I made a promise to myself that I won’t speak a word about upcoming projects until they are already released or at least at the pre-order stage. I am determined to stay focused and productive and I don’t want to set myself up for failure. I am overwhelmed in the best possible way as I dip my feathered pen in the ink well of creativity. I am literally so inspired and my materials are flowing well and I am excited for things to come.

I don’t really have much else to contribute today but I did want to make sure that I did post something even if it was just a simple update as to where I’m at creatively. I really am trying to find a happy balance between the paid aspect of writing as well as my dream projects. I am still getting my routine down and it’s been very fulfilling and fun to be quite frank. I haven’t felt this spiritually in tune with myself in a long, long time and it feels amazing. As I continue to gain momentum and produce piece after piece I feel myself becoming stronger in my writing skills. I am really digging deep within myself and finding things about myself that I was unaware of. I feel like the events that occurred at the beginning of the year awoken me spiritually and forced me to look down deep within myself and ask myself what I am really seeking in life and I am finding it slowly but surely in my writing.

I wish you all a pleasant evening! I’ll be sure to produce a more constructive blog tomorrow!