Podcast: The Imperfect Science of Forgiveness

blog pic january 18th 2019

ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2019.

In this week’s Podcast, I talk about the imperfect science of forgiveness, my anxiety and depression, a PSA for fellow self-published writers, my freelancing, donors, passion projects, writing contests, and MORE!

Listen to my Podcast here: PSG Lopes/The Moonlit Goddess Podcast

Thanks for your continued support! Have a great weekend everyone!

I Fear Success More Than I Fear Failure

blog pic january 17th 2019.png

ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2019.

Before I get into today’s rant, I’d like to take a moment to show off my amazing new business cards featuring my new logo and updated contact information. I also received postcards and stickers as well with the new logo to hand out to my readers when my new work comes out soon! A very special thanks to my sister for always taking care of her sissy! Thanks for always believing in me and pushing me to keep going especially on the days when I feel I have nothing left to give.

Now onto today’s topic. Success. When I first decided to leave teaching altogether in 2016 and start The Moonlit Goddess, I did some research and decided to focus on writing erotica full-time. There were so many things I was unhappy about while writing erotica but had read several articles of people becoming rich quick with writing erotica for Amazon through their self-publishing platform. Not really concerned about quality, I was writing four erotica short stories a month every month for four months. I charged a mere 99 cents a story and kept my identity under wraps and wasn’t really sure how to go about marketing my work. I knew that I still wanted to write poetry, and I dabbled in photography and digital art as well, so I knew that was something I was interested in also pursuing.

Several things went wrong during my earlier pursuits in writing.  I hated writing pieces in shame. I hated the way that people were speaking to me and treated me when I wrote erotica. I just ultimately felt sick to my stomach about it and realized that this was not my true path as a writer. I felt that my writing deserved an appropriate platform to address all of my hopes and fears. I wanted to triumph in my successes and lament in my failures with all of you without hiding behind this persona having to hide in darkness in the shame of my writing. I also had no one to properly edit my erotica because it’s not really something many wanted to look at let alone edit so I’d publish the work with a lot of typographical errors. A real amateur mistake. This whole fiasco lasted four months. I was simultaneously releasing poetry samples and my erotica from September 2016 to December 2016.

My new year’s resolution in January 2017 was to completely revamp my writing line in order to create pieces for everyone to enjoy. I was able to step out of the shadows and fully identify myself and my brand and, in my opinion, created something that I am truly proud of and can continue working on and improve upon as time passed. In 2017, I self-published two poetry anthologies, one novella, and a children’s book, along with my song single. 2017 was a great year for me and I had hoped that 2018 would bring similar prosperity. That would not be the case.

Even though 2017 was a successful year in terms of my writing, I was going through a lot of major changes personally. I had new people in my life whom I was using as a safety net while I was dealing with a lot of horrible trauma at home. This trauma involved my dad who is currently suffering from advanced dementia. I found a romantic escape and used that as a crutch as well as food. I gained a lot of weight in 2018 and was not concerned with anything other than moving overseas and beginning a new life. Throughout all of this, I hadn’t realized how I was cheating myself and not producing any writing at all. 2018 was a horrible dry spell for creativity and I’m so ashamed of myself for completely letting my dream slide through my very capable fingertips. During that whole romantic bubble, never did I once believe that while I was at home depressed, anxious, and dealing with the daily care of my father, I was simply letting precious time pass me by.

My world came crashing down in the new year of 2019. I woke up from the bewitching spell I was under and now a fire has been properly lit under my ass and I am no-nonsense back into writing 100%. I’ve been writing frantically every day since the new year and I’ve no intention of stopping. I recognize that I was regressing a lot and waxing nostalgic over the past instead of focusing on my bright writing future. I always ever knew failure and was terrified of what would happen if I actually felt a bit of success. That’s why I hid behind the erotica, that’s why I always self-sabotaged dieting and exercise, and I always forged unhealthy relationships that I recognize now are no good for me. I am always hiding. I am always playing it safe. I don’t allow myself the possibility of actually feeling what it’s like to maybe be a success for once instead of always succumbing to that self-fulfilling prophecy of failure. Failure is expected of me. I have never known true success. My family had never witnessed success for myself. They always expected me to fail. They know the flaky, unreliable, flighty version of me. They know that the second things are going well for me, I give up and run the other way. And that’s exactly what I did in 2018. I cheated myself repeatedly and set myself up for failure. I don’t know why I did it. I don’t know what I was thinking. I do recognize it now and am going to spend 2019 rectifying my past mistakes.

Maybe this path was meant to happen so that it would shake me up a bit and realize what a mistake I made and fight harder for the things that I want in life. I do want to succeed as a writer. I do want to get out of this financial rut that I’m perpetually in and I want to know what it’s like to treat my family for a meal without sweating about where I’m going to find the funds to replace the money I spent. I want to know what financial freedom is like and I want to be able to take care of myself first and foremost and have the capabilities of taking care of my family like they took care of me all of these years. I feel that we’ve all been touched greatly by misfortune over the years. It is well past time that my family and I felt what it was like to feel the sunshine of success touch our faces as we march towards a greater existence.

I know 2019 will be my year. And as of January 17th, 2019, I am fulfilling my end of the bargain.

Animal Crossing, Golden Girls, and Almond M&Ms: The Cure For All That Ails Me

blog pic 2 january 16th 2019

ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2019.

Most of my readers are familiar with my acute addiction to Animal Crossing: New Leaf for the Nintendo 3DS. I was definitely late to the party. I started playing in July 2018 and my addiction is as strong as it was when I first began playing. I am simply enamored by this game. I love everything about it. The game caters to my introversion and allows me complete and total control of my own life within this video game. My real life is chaotic and I have little control over the events in which occur around me daily; however, this game awards me some calm and peace and something that is all mine that I don’t have to share with the outside world.

Many of you were here for my rant in October when my beloved neighbor, Benjamin, moved away with just a letter and a picture frame to remember him by. I had made a mistake the day prior and had to alter the timeline by one day and you always get punished in some way for doing so. When I set the time back, I looked around my town and I finally noticed what went wrong. My Benny. Gone. Without a trace. I’m a thirty-eight-year-old woman and I sobbed like a little baby. I even blubbered over my sad, sad tale to my sister over the devastating event. I was afraid I’d never ever get to see my good ol’ pal Benjamin again. Today something miraculous happened! Benjamin appeared in the main street of the game to do some shopping! The screen cap above was our exchange. I was beyond excited and my heart leaped for joy. I couldn’t believe I got a chance to see my beloved neighbor again and finally get the closure I wanted back in October. I was trying to engage in conversation with him but he said nothing more than a hello and that he was shopping in my town for the day. There was no way to convince him to come back even though I had a vacancy in my town. Another neighbor I was ambivalent about moved out yesterday. It appeared to be kismet! But Benjamin just wouldn’t hear of it. He was just visiting. I’m okay with that. I got what I needed by the exchange. The surprise was wonderful and truly welcome.

I know that sounds totally nutty to the outside observer but to a woman who has suffered depression and anxiety her whole life, this game means everything to me! It gave me something my heart had been missing my whole life. I’m only sad that I was late to the party and wasn’t able to interact with others when the game was truly popular. I am aware there is a new one coming out soon for the Nintendo Switch but I will never be able to afford to buy the Switch and the game. I’m happy with what I have. It fulfills me. It keeps me company in the lonely hours unfilled by my writing tasks. I couldn’t ask for more really. Thanks, Nintendo for releasing such an amazing series of games.

blog pic 1 january 16th 2019

Another joy I have is watching old sitcoms. When my fiance and I broke up at the beginning of the new year, the only thing really keeping me going aside from Animal Crossing was Golden Girls and Almond M&Ms. There’s just something immensely comforting watching old sitcoms. I especially love Golden Girls because it’s about four best friends. I never really had real friends growing up. Most of the people I encountered were either flaky or had their own circle of friends and I just could never shoehorn into their already established world. I never really knew what it was like to have an honest to god best friend. My sister, of course, is my best friend. I’m talking more about people outside of my familial circle. I had thought my ex was my best friend as well. But there’s just something about watching these four ladies interacting that provides me with the missing piece to a long-lost puzzle in my heart.

I always felt that everyone had characteristics of all four of those ladies within all of us. Everyone has a bit of the naive innocence of Rose, the guarded, sarcastic nature of Dorothy who aches to be accepted and loved, the fearlessness of the Spitfire that is Sophia, and the sexy, confident, narcissistic Blanche. We have all embodied each of their personalities at one point in our lives. That’s what makes their dynamic so likable and relatable, in my opinion. We see ourselves in these ladies. I Love Lucy and Golden Girls are my go-to shows when I’m extremely depressed and they never disappoint when I need to salve all of my wounds. And you can’t binge watch a show without some snacks and that’s where my Almond M&Ms come in! I never leave home without them. I never leave home, period LOL!

Guilty pleasures are what make life grand! And these are some of mine! Thanks for reading, folks!

 

Yes, I swear

blog january 15th 2019

ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2019.

I’m perfectly imperfect. I make mistakes. I know that I do things differently from others that many do not agree with. I’m crude, I’m tactless, I say things first then rationalize and apologize later. I enjoy fart jokes. I laugh at inappropriate humor at the dinner table. I march to the beat of my own drum that only myself and the woodland fairies can hear.

I am a firm believer that how you were raised and how you were treated at a very young age will determine how you become as an adult. I was raised with crude humor, a lot of swear words, and a less than prim and proper upbringing. Does that make me a horrible person? In short, the answer is no!

I was; however, raised in a Roman Catholic household. I spent the first nine years of my education in a Catholic private school. When I began high school, that was the first time I entered the public school system. My values altered and changed and as I grew up and became an adult I veered away from religion and decided to follow my own path towards spirituality. Do I chastise others who are religious regardless of which religious denomination they choose? Absolutely not. Everyone needs to believe in something. This world is already a disheartening place, of course, we, as humans, need to believe in something. I will never fault another human being for their beliefs.

I don’t believe in getting into a sanctimonious debate about people who go to church vs. people who do not. I don’t believe in forcing one’s beliefs on another but I wholeheartedly respect other’s beliefs and would never minimize their feelings.

One common theme that I find on social media is how people perceive posts and videos with swear words. After all these years, human beings still have contentions with swearing. I’m also not going to argue with someone about their preference over swearing. I have learned to know my audience and if you are not the swearing type, then I know you may not enjoy my writing (aside from my children’s books) and that’s perfectly alright with me. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, but those who know me know that I do tuck an f-bomb neatly into the conversation now and then. Even in my Podcasts, you will hear me swearing on occasion. Does that mean I’m ignorant and uneducated? Nope. I am very well-educated, more so oftentimes than those who oppose the swearing. Does that mean I lack a proper vocabulary? Nope, again.

Swearing has been around since time immemorial. I accept that others do not like it and they may have been raised a certain way to perceive people who do swear as unsavory and troublemakers. I don’t see it that way. I was raised as a free-spirit. I was raised to be a free-thinker. I don’t take what others tell me straightaway at face value and will never parrot what others have told me about a given topic. I learn about it myself, then I make my own opinion on it. I don’t hide behind the opinions of others. So many times, I’d read comments saying, “well, that’s not how my parents raised me!” or my personal favorite, “I go to church every Sunday, so you’ll never hear me swear!” Those are both judgmental statements.

I don’t judge others for who they are. Once again, I’m not perfect, I do slip up, I do tend to put my foot in my mouth more often than not but I feel it’s important to recognize when you see you’ve made a mistake, apologize for it and move on. But I won’t apologize for swearing. It comes as natural to me as breathing. You’ll see it in my blogs, my Podcasts, and my writing (other than my children’s books obviously! I said I liked to swear, didn’t say I lacked common sense! LOL!) Once again, it’s called learning your audience. I recognize that there’s a time and a place for that kind of talk. I recognize that when I’m talking to an elder, that I change the way I am speaking to suit their comfort. I recognize generational speech and respect other’s wishes wholly.

In an unrelated example, I remember one of the last times I was in a teaching position, I was administering mid-term exams to my students. I remember it was during the transition time where students were still heading into their classes. This one girl walked by and she dressed like an old-school punk rocker chick with her hair as high as the ceiling in a full-blown mohawk. Stunned, I remember the first thing that came out of my mouth was, “Wow, that’s some hair! I’d love hair like that!” Now to an outsider, that may have appeared to be a sarcastic and bullying comment, but to someone who was in the conversation and knew me, knew that wasn’t my intention. I knew the student in question and would never purposely insult or offend someone for their choice in look. I myself have an alternative way of looking and dressing and it’s certainly not my place to judge others on appearance.

Anyhow, I remember one of the guidance counselors came in and overheard what I said and said, “Excuse me, can I help you with something?” I repeated what I said because I honestly didn’t feel like I had said anything wrong. I stated, “I was just saying, ‘Wow, that’s some hair!'” The woman then proceeded to chastise me stating that the girl was really nice and didn’t deserve to be talked about that way. Complete eye roll. I just held my head down and did not engage. I allowed her to believe she was right and let her walk away. There was no way I was going to argue with her. At the time, I was still hoping to find a job at that place. If it were the “me” that I am today I would’ve ripped her a new asshole because I didn’t say anything wrong other than a statement of shock at the girl’s hair.

It is so sad that we live in a world where everything is misconstrued. Everyone’s offended by everything and it’s no wonder people would prefer to stay indoors instead of interacting with the outside world. I’m not saying to openly offend each and every person you come across. That’s absolutely not what I’m saying. I’m saying that people’s opinions will vary and of course, mistakes will be made. The woman in question was a guidance counselor and she could have turned a nasty encounter into a classy teachable moment where she could have professionally took me aside like a fellow adult and told me how she perceived my comment. I could have instructed her what my original intention was and then that person should have informed me of the culture of that particular school and that my exuberance was unwelcome there. I would’ve accepted that and altered how I spoke for the sake of peace. But quashing a perceived bully with more bullying is wrong as well.

The point in all of this is recognizing that people come from all walks of life. Accepting that people may have opinions which differ from yours. It’s how you handle those differences with grace and sophistication instead of a sloppy-tittied harpy lacking in finesse and regality (There’s that swearing again!). I may not be a churchgoer or identify as a Roman Catholic any longer, but I’m a big advocate of the Golden Rule. Love one another and treat them as you’d like to be treated. Don’t love one person and then chastise another for the sake of one person’s comfort. Love is understanding one another and teaching them the right way to be and not wounding one while saving another. Crucifying someone for their perceived differences and then rectifying the situation with equally harmful strategies, to me, is hypocritical and damaging all on its own.

The moral of today’s story is “Swear if you dare but beware to not share about one’s hair!”

Podcast: Hear me sing ‘In Recovery,’ Plus More!

january 11th blog

ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK IS THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2019.

Hello everyone! This week’s Podcast is up!

This week I discuss my pathway to writing, my awkward adulthood years, my journey with forgiveness, and I sing my song ‘In Recovery,’ and MORE!

Please have a listen here: PSG Lopes/The Moonlit Goddess Podcast on Anchor Radio

Thanks to everyone who reads my blog and listens to my Podcast! I am humbled and grateful!

Have a great weekend everyone!

My First Ten Days

blog january 10th 2019

ALL WRITING AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2019.

There are two days in the year I just don’t give a shit about anymore: My birthday and New Year’s Eve. People put so much pressure on these days to be something fulfilling and special and magical. I call major bullshit on both.

My birthdays used to always be plagued for as long as I can remember. When I was younger the misfortunes started out small. I’d get killer migraines, horrible period cramps, or the flu, for example. Coincidence, maybe, but as I got older the bad luck became compounded and you can say it was almost theatrical in nature.

One year, I’d thought I’d mess with fate and celebrate my birthday three days after my actual birthday. I thought, hey maybe that would break the curse? I went out to New York City with my siblings. We walked around, we went to a museum and we ate at the Hard Rock Cafe. The day was picturesque. Couldn’t have gone better. I figured, hey the curse is gone. We headed home and got ourselves organized and got our nightly routines done so we could head to bed. We almost made it through a menace-free birthday celebration. Then the unthinkable happened.

My cat Viggo was playing with our other cat Maya and they were running up the stairs to chase each other when he literally dropped dead practically in front of our eyes. I was absolutely devastated. Viggo was the first cat we got when we first moved to New Jersey and he was my little buddy. He was the only cat I’d let sleep on my bed and if he would run out accidentally into the backyard he would always follow the sound of my voice and come back inside right away. We were inseparable.

We found him in our backyard in the year 2000. Our town had a traveling circus visit that summer and they had some cats in their routine and I always would jokingly say that Viggo was our circus cat because he came to us around the same time. He was a cantankerous old coot who would swat at you as you walked by and had no tolerance for your bullshit but when his defenses were down he could be one of the sweetest bastards you ever did meet. What made the whole thing worse was that past June I had lost my beloved dog, Merline, and that had been quite a blow as well. I hadn’t been fully ready to accept the loss of another one of my amazing pets. They were both older animals and had lived amazing lives and it was just their times to go. We got them both around the same time and Viggo was already an adult cat when we adopted him so he was about fifteen years old when he passed away.  The vet had said he had a bad heart and couldn’t be excited but how do you stop a cat from chasing our other cat? There was really nothing anyone could do. That event took me a long time to get over. I had vowed then that I’d really never do much to celebrate my birthday ever again.

This leads me to the new tainted event. New Year’s Eve. To me, this day just sets so many people up for failure. I think the holidays in general sets people up for failure. All throughout the holidays people are fake nice to you and there are decorations all over the place and holiday music is blasting and there are cookies and good food all around and everyone gains a thousand pounds and it provides this false sense of security. Then New Year’s Eve comes around and there’s so much pressure. Do you have a date on that night, are you going to get your new year’s kiss, are you going to sign up for the gym and lose the thousand pounds you gained since Thanksgiving, what is your new year’s resolution going to be this year? The madness never stops.

Then January 1st happens. People are dicks again. The decorations get dismantled and you’re literally holding on to the Christmas tree for dear life as your loved ones begin taking down the set up one ornament at a time. Why the fuck do we torture ourselves like this every year? We go from bright multi-colored iridescent lights, yummy food, wonderful upbeat music, to this gray, monochrome life. The music is gone, we’re eating crusty, old leftovers, my palate is confused and angry.

I had decided to do a sage smudging/burning ceremony on December 21st to cleanse my new bedroom/office space and I felt that that would provide me with a positive atmosphere to begin writing again in the new year. I found; however, that once midnight struck, bringing in the new year, it was just another disappointment. But I’ve decided that I don’t want to spend my life carrying this hatred and anger. It’s too big of a burden that I hadn’t even asked for. I’m a peaceful, loving woman and he’s the one who made the mistake, not me and I’m not going to punish myself by carrying his mistakes with me for the rest of my life. I’m much better than that. I deserve much better than that.

The other ridiculous crap that’s happened in the first ten days of 2019 is quite comical actually. Starting the new year off with this disgusting, debilitating cold. Having to deal with people coming in and out of our home during the remaining holiday season and not having a proper chance to convalesce and knock the cold out of my system was frustrating and aggravated me further. I got into a minor fender bender last week too, which was the other woman’s fault. We were at a stoplight and the light turned green and she hit the gas before I did and smacked me from behind. What’s funny is that this was the first time anything like this ever happened to me in all of my years of driving. I don’t really get into accidents or fender benders and I thought to myself, “man 2019 really sucks, bro.”

Next, while I’ve been revamping my writing line and updating my logo and such, I decided to update my business cards since the majority of mine are in a box in Ireland with my belongings that I’m never going to see again. I found a website that printed out business cards for dirt cheap and that’s about all my budget can handle these days. I used up the last of my Christmas funds and the order went missing and the customer service was an absolute joke and the exchange I had with one of their customer service reps was so laughable I swear I was in one of my stories. I can’t believe people actually conduct business this way and actually survive monetarily.

Why can’t life just be easy? As Avril Lavigne once sang, “Why’d you have to go and make things so complicated?” It’s always a struggle no matter what. There are always conflicts, there are always messes, there’s always drama. I just want to be at peace! I saw this funny meme on social media the other day and I’m going to follow it’s advice. I’m starting my new year officially February 1st. January was just a pilot run which was poorly constructed. 2019 take two! Action!

Onward to bigger and better things. I am facing today on with laughter, love, and light. I am not walking into drama unnecessarily. I choose to be free and unbothered by a world that just wants to hurt me. I really just want a peaceful 2019 and to just get on with my writing and work on being the best possible version of myself that I can possibly be, good luck or bad luck be damned!

Evening Updates

blog january 9th 2019.png

ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2019. 

I will keep this one brief tonight, folks. Just wanted to shoot a quick update on what I am currently up to lately. Been trying really hard to get my freelancing paid pursuits going while also working on my creative passion projects at the same time.

There are many things that I’m brewing at once and it feels really good to finally get my momentum and groove back that I had back in 2017. The dust has settled with the tumultuous entrance to 2019. I’m happier now, unencumbered by the strain and burden of my 2018 self. The skin has been shed and I am ready to embrace my new self as I embark on all of the adventures I have for myself in 2019.

I made a promise to myself that I won’t speak a word about upcoming projects until they are already released or at least at the pre-order stage. I am determined to stay focused and productive and I don’t want to set myself up for failure. I am overwhelmed in the best possible way as I dip my feathered pen in the ink well of creativity. I am literally so inspired and my materials are flowing well and I am excited for things to come.

I don’t really have much else to contribute today but I did want to make sure that I did post something even if it was just a simple update as to where I’m at creatively. I really am trying to find a happy balance between the paid aspect of writing as well as my dream projects. I am still getting my routine down and it’s been very fulfilling and fun to be quite frank. I haven’t felt this spiritually in tune with myself in a long, long time and it feels amazing. As I continue to gain momentum and produce piece after piece I feel myself becoming stronger in my writing skills. I am really digging deep within myself and finding things about myself that I was unaware of. I feel like the events that occurred at the beginning of the year awoken me spiritually and forced me to look down deep within myself and ask myself what I am really seeking in life and I am finding it slowly but surely in my writing.

I wish you all a pleasant evening! I’ll be sure to produce a more constructive blog tomorrow!

Recognizing the Strong and Ambitious Woman

blog january 8th 2019

ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2019.

When I first decided I was leaving education back in 2016 to pursue writing full-time, I was terrified. I had spent my entire adult life as either a substitute teacher or full-time educator. I was always doing some sort of traditional job where someone signed my paychecks and I didn’t have to worry about how I was going to pay my own bills. Becoming a full-time writer wasn’t an easy transition for me. I spent my time, in the beginning, learning about how to go about building The Moonlit Goddess writing line. The whole process was a serious learning curve for me.

What genres would I focus on? What were my blogs going to be about? How would I go about reaching a loyal following? Would people criticize my writing? What happens if I suck? These were all things that were rushing through my mind. I tried to remain positive and tried my best to just focus on the day to day and like a baby learning how to swim for the first time, I just dove right in! Mistakes would be made. I’d learn and adjust and fine-tune and create what I have to say is an admirable and respectable writing line.

I learned a lot about myself since starting this venture. I learned that there are a lot of people out there who are envious of my passion, charisma, and positivity. I remember one conversation I had with a fellow educator, who has since died, told me once that when you’re doing something right in life, your stuff will be so good that people will want to steal from you!

I never really related to this bit of sage wisdom until very recently. I realized that if people are emulating what I am doing, then I must be doing something right!

2018 was a horrible year for me. I was stagnant in my writing, I was making excuses, I gained weight, I was depressed, miserable, I hated myself. I really was going nowhere fast. I was miserable in dealing with my dad every day. I feel horrible for what my dad is going through and I wouldn’t wish dementia on my own worst enemy but at the same time I am resentful to be caring for this man who, when I was growing up, would rather put on his shoes so fast to get away from his family than to celebrate a birthday, a holiday, or come to a spring concert, or sit with one of his kids when they were sick with colds. It takes a completely special individual to put all that hatred and negativity aside and provide the quality care my whole family is administering to my father now. There was just so much inner turmoil going on that I relied on another person, wrongly, as a safety crutch. I realize now what a huge mistake that was and how much I cheated myself in 2018.

2019 didn’t start off much better. My money is ever dwindling, I started the new year running to the bank to deposit one lousy dollar so my bank account wouldn’t be charged an overdraft fee when they extracted the monthly seven dollar fee, and getting into a minor fender bender. I laughed to myself at how I thought by doing that sage smudging/burning ceremony that it would somehow represent a new beginning for me in 2019 but I’m wondering if I just unleashed holy hell on myself and if this is what I’m meant to experience in 2019–one ridiculous flub after another!

I consider myself a strong and ambitious woman. I’ve been through the depths of hell, slapped on my war paint more times than I can count and entered the trenches of war-torn areas of the darkest parts of my psyche. I’ve been through worse in the past and this to me is nothing new and nothing that I can’t handle.

On a positive note, 2019 does have some shining moments. My writing has never been stronger, and I do have some leads on some freelance writing opportunities. As I stare at my ledger of the list of upcoming bills that are soon due, I know that the clock is ticking and I need to keep writing daily if I am to survive in this business. I also know that as a strong and ambitious woman, what makes me strong and ambitious are all of the twists and turns and the ups and downs. I can’t expect life to be a straightforward path. There will be tons of obstacles and tragedies that I will face and it is how I face them that matter, not the tragedies themselves that I must focus on and I know with that powerful knowledge in my hands I know that I am going to be just fine.

Getting Schooled on Grammar By a Porn Ghostwriter-Seeking “John”

blog january 5th 2019

ALL WRITTEN AND ARTWORK ARE THE INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY OF PSG LOPES. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 2019.

I debuted my skills as a freelancing writer this winter and wanted to test the waters to see if anyone was interested in having me ghostwrite their book for them. I had a few people interested but I’ve also had some hilarious feedback and criticism of my work. Criticism is the nature of the beast and I am well armed when it comes to other’s critiquing my work. I am no stranger to having others dismiss my writing and I have a pretty strong backbone but this experience was definitely one to write about.

Many of you know that when I first started writing I started out as an erotica writer. I wrote erotica pieces as far back as 2008 but only started publishing them in 2016. Granted, I wasn’t really one hundred percent invested in my writing brand back then, I was still new to the business, and I was learning the ropes of my future profession. The erotica, although have strong storylines and expertly written sex scenes, they aren’t scholarly written, they also weren’t written by a knuckle-dragging beast either. Despite my minor grammar flubs back in the day, the pieces were still pretty strong, in my opinion. I definitely don’t like going back reading my erotica because I have always hated the genre and they are definitely not my strongest pieces as a writer.

I often wonder why people choose to ghostwrite instead of writing their own book but I don’t judge. I, after all, need the money and it would be an easy way to get cash to fund my own pursuits. This brings to me the point of writing today’s blog.

I sent a proposal out for someone who was looking for a ghostwriter to write an erotica novel. I sent out my specifications and my sample writing and she sent me this long winded reason for not choosing my piece focusing on things that had nothing to do with the actual story. I was giggling to myself for several reasons. First of all, this is erotica writing, if you didn’t get hot reading the story and all you’re focused on is the “there, their, they’re” mission, you’re doing it wrong! I just found her reply to be humorous and of course, she isn’t familiar with my more up to date writings and publishings. I also think it’s funny that if you are such an expert, why aren’t you writing the book yourself?

To me, as a writer, having published several serious pieces since the years of erotica, the editing is the last thing to worry about. That is the final stages of writing. I’m more concerned with the characters, plot, story structure, etc. If you’re just lost in the grammar then A. You aren’t a writer, you’re a reader, and B. No wonder you need someone to ghostwrite your work! Because writers don’t judge on grammar and mechanics, only reading critics do! Every mentor I have ever had, every teacher I have ever had in creative writing always told me the same thing. They always told me “Oh, the story was so good! We can always clean up the grammar later!” If you’re sending me a page long rant on things that have nothing to do with the story itself, you’re an even more rank amateur than you claim me to be!

If you find potential in the work, the mechanics and grammar are an easy fix. The woman was just looking for an excuse to tell me she wasn’t interested and that was her way of denying the proposal when simply saying “no thanks” or even a lack of response would’ve sufficed plenty.

This world is moving much too fast these days. I strongly feel that this world is always focused on the wrong things in life and that is why so many people are miserable and unhappy. People need to slow down, appreciate the process, appreciate potential and work with someone towards making them the best possible writer they can be instead of dismissing someone’s work over a passive voice slip up or some other minor fix. There is nothing wrong with finding potential in someone’s writing and working with them to make an excellent piece. Instead, people are so quick to crucify others and pat themselves on the back when they have pointed out another person’s flaws and called them out on it. How about having some empathy and considering what the writer is going through? Maybe that person can’t afford an editor and rely on their own self-editing to get by. I was doing my own self-editing with the erotica. It’s not a good idea to self-edit your own work but not many people are willing to edit erotica without their stomach churning. For my current publishings, I now have several editors and my work is a lot tighter and stronger. If grammar was this individual’s strong suit, couldn’t it be his or her position to oversee editing? Or was her position in the ghostwriting duo like the sex in my story? She just lays there as I give it to her. Eh, lol.